Prison State of Mind

In my failure to receive grace I felt foolish and disgruntled, in this state of mind I became a different man, a man who laughed too loud when in the company of others, a man who laughed yet seldom laughed; I laughed until my face lost the beauty of innocence only to take on the feral stare of the condemned. Slowly I took on the mental malady of a man trying to live a life he was never intended to live.

Like a thin mist my thinking process became damp and unpredictable and a spiritual weariness descended upon me, everyday a little heavier, every month a little more uncomfortable was I under my own guise; already disappointment and doubt lay in wait. In this shortcoming I garnered a spirit of discernment and I longed to be like the pious and then in my study of them, the pious ones, I came to realize that there was none, not even one of them, who could prove to me that they themselves had fully attained the wisdom of the ages, none could move the mountain of sorrow I see in the world inside or out, and in my disappointment, I had to assume that they, like me, were still searching. In my doubt I went the way of all men without foundations to stand,the world became my lover, my source of pleasure. I had been trapped and I became that which I despised; as if a veil had slowly fallen over me my soul became covered in a deep weariness. In the way that a new car begins to tire under the weight of use, this new life which I had created for myself began to come apart, it was losing the beauty of its shine and spots of rust and decay were beginning to show in its structure. But I was unable to see it ... I was oblivious to my own very important breakdown. The life I has chosen had become a burden to me and a liability to my future, but my time of recognition had not yet arrived.

I had been trapped by the very same vices that I had despised in my own father; I indulged in the vilest of them. For a time, I ceased in my heart to be the man I once was, in fact I was less a man than the child me had been. And every time I came to my senses and awoke from my delusion, every time I saw the horror and ugliness that I had built around me, and every time I divined my fall, I was seized by disgust, but being as I was unable to face the truth concerning me, I turned my back to realty in the meaningless cycle of old and new self. Then came the answer to my question, but it came at an ugly price.

I no longer think of going home. I want to, but I know better than to dwell upon it.

When I am listening, I hear nothing. When I am looking, I see nothing. When I am walking, I am not moving. When I am awake, I am asleep. and when I fear, I fear we are lost.
I look at my hands, they look normal, not old, not young, just normal.
I don't recognize them.

#Mayor Mark says: Prison Reform is useless without changing the LAWS that fill them.

 

Bastrop, TX 9/28/26