Introductory
MM i love you like a father part 1;
The cold water part 2;
The great american arachnid, or the american arachnid ~ Part Three ~
By Chris Deraleau
~ We have not come for the truth.... We have come for a Scalp ~
They were never interested in the truth. this was what i remember being very frightening. i would have thought they would have wanted to know, been concerned if i was in fact a kid who was forceful in my sexual endevours. a kid who was violent and out of control. i was not. though this did not tip the scale an ounce. i was a senior in highschool, and doing from what my knowledge was the exact same thing every guy in schools around this country was doing. little did i ever know, or begin to know or think this could actually turn out to be what it was. a witch-hunt. heavy is the weight on my soul to this very day. my head hangs as i think of it. they didn't want truth, they wanted a scalp. they wanted me to sign my life away and thats exactly what i did. its amazing to think of it now, all those eyes on you, the beast, after its exercised its leverage, hungry from the labor of leaving your life in ruin, now content with its earning, that being your life. signing my name on that paper. pleading guilty to crimes i had never committed... leaves you with such a powerless feeling in your very being. you feel broken. you feel violated. you feel a rape. a rape of the soul. of the conscience. of life and self, your not the same. when you look in the mirror, you recognize that face, though something has changed. you have demonstrated courage to push through and do what you must, but once your out, you are not the same... you will never be the same. i still am at a loss for the actual words, if there are any, to express this feeling. i dont think there are any. signing my life away, took about fourteen seconds.. i have never recovered. not mentally, spiritually, physically, or emotionally. it has destroyed my life, i am strong, but deep within my heart, i am broken. i am truly hurting. im crying... the only rape and assault taken place in is entire scheme, was the rape of my life by the state. Their leverage was fear. that was not a legal document i signed the day i was forced to plea. that was a treaty with the devil, drafted up by what ever you would call the entity that is in the market of selling humans for statistics and money. that was a forced, tactical execution of the mind and body on a terrified young man, and the graveyard of all the deaths ive experienced since that day, are laid to rest on my soul. ive lost love, ive lost time, ive lost hope and faith a million times. ive struggled in every aspect of life since that day. i have wanted to die many times. ive been right there more times then i could tell you. the day i pled guilty, i was relesed on probation.. it was raining that afternoon in the car ride to the probation office. my probation officer was a woman, i wont mention her name. i wont mention it, because she did finally make amends with me one day while i was in court years later. i was signing a plea bargain for failing to register an addess in oklahoma, though i wanted to take it to jury trial in hopes of being found innocent. not innocent because i did register, because i absolutely failed to register an address. but innocent because maybe if i pled to the jury all the weight and pain i have had to carry because of the false accusations, all the mental exhaustion, and the psychological trauma id never been able to recover from, all the sleepless nights, on my cell floor while my cellmate is sleeping on my knees in the moonlight praying for the ones and their families who put me in this situation in the first place, praying to God that he sees me, praying that i dont lose my soul in this hell. praying that these lies one day subside and true justice and life come back to me. thats what i used to do, pray for them before i even prayed for myself, or my family. that is the true parts of all this. but they weren't there for that. maybe the jury could see that, enough was enough. still proving that, in this broken heart, in this bleeding soul i had hope. i had love and faith in myself because i knew the truth. the truth about who i was. the truth about my actions. the truth about the lie cast over my life. my attorney julisa martinez told me i was stupid, she walked out when i refused the offer. she told my father what i was doing, rying for a jury trial and he had to be removed from th courtroom because he was yelling at me. it was my old probation officer who came and put her hand on my shoulder. she looked me in my eyes and spoke to me, and when she spoke, it was words from a woman who knew the truth finally. she said that i couldn't change the past. i had pled guilty and everyone knows im innocent. but its not about innocence, not in my case. court systems do justice everyday, i believe that still to this day. i believe in law and order. i believe we must have a police force in this country, but on the same hand, its gotten out of control. she told me to take the deal. just sign. theres no justice here Christopher. your hopes are beautiful but its about a technical line, not honorable wisdom. you have a beautiful mind and your hopes are great, but if you take this to trial hoping they see the truth and psychological trauma, and see your dying behind this and cant even live.... you will surely die in this courtroom, and your days as free man will cease to exist. i signed for 5 years. i went from texas into oklahoma. i crossed state lines and didnt register an address. for this i got 5 years in the state of texas and 3 years federal prison. i had to go do the 5 years state time first, then after my time there, i had to go to federal prison and began that time. for violating a registry i never belonged on in the first place. my first day on probation, i went to see this woman i just told you about. she told me i couldn't live at my parents house because my brother was 16 and per probation i was not ever allowed to be around children. she yelled at me. she was saying, "you like to rape girls huh, you like to f**king rape girls well try to rape me motherf**cker" i explained that i did no such thing ever. "well you pled guilty motherf***er, who pleads guilty when they are innocent" i understood then, that this situation was way out of control, and my life was never going to be the same. I will say, i forgive her for this. it took awhile but i forgave her. that day in court, all those years later, made me feel that she had actually saw the truth in me, and there was hope in her eyes, even though there was none in that courtroom. if she ever reads this, ill just say, thank you for your kind words that day, i appreciate that, and i forgive you..