~ THE AMERICAN ARACHNID ~
By Chris Deraleau
Section 5
"take the plea bargain son, its only probation and you go home today. just plea guilty. i know your innocent, the judge knows your innocent, even the prosecution, but its not about that son. its about them getting a conviction. they need that. it goes on the ledger. its a win for them. and hell if they'da thought you were guilty, you'da been charged with first degree felonies instead of second degree. the second degree felonies are equivalent to it being consensual, but even if it was consensual son, and even though your still in highschool, since your 18 now, even you fighting saying your innocent because it indeed was consensual, thats still a felony son because theyre not 18 yet.. just plea out, swallow your pride, or these people will put you away for a very long time. your 18 now, youll be 60 before you get released. its a terrible trap, i know, i see it all the time. its just deferred probation, and sex ffender registration, thats only once a year, you just tell'em where you live son, one time a year. being registered is not even a big deal son.. " these were the words my lawyer told me as i was a senior in highschool facing a decision that today, still brings me to tears, if i think of it very late at night, while alone with the other deeper thoughts of my memory. i swallow the bitter.. or in many ways, it seemed as if i would die. i was afraid of the options. i was afraid of losing that trial. men in the jail would tell war stories of men, confiden and innocent men losing everything, because they took it to trial. i fought hard with this decision. what is a young man supposed to do.. what am i supposed to do God. i thought these things to myself, many nights when i couldnt sleep. i couldnt eat. i couldn't breath.. when i came back into the long dark corridors of the jail that evening, cold walls and floors and empty echos of the voices of men who had lost their lives in situations just like mine screamed to me through a very quiet channel, telling me i would die if i lost the trial. the american dream was dead. i believed in hope. i believed in the protection and liberties that this country offered me in my life.. now, the offer was not one of hope, honor or of truth. it crushed me. it crushed my heart. it destroyed my soul. i cried in those days... people see me today and they say, "Chris, you smile alot, and you have a very good attitude even though youve been through all this pain... " ill say its been a very long road, pain everyday. and even though i dont have tears streaming down my face right now today, theres not been a single day thats past that ive not been screaming inside. i die everyday inside, all over again. some days are better then others. ive never recovered from this pain. im hurting today.. im hurting right now... im still dying. that night before i was to be in court to plea, i layed awake in my bunk for a very long time, contemplating my choices. the lights very low in the tank i was in, all men sound asleep save for myself. deep into that lonely night, as my eyes got heavy, my mind slipping in and out of consciousness, like i was on a boat riding the soft swells in the middle of the Atlantic, my chest rising and falling, drifting.. the only light shining into the room, was the red light from the exit sign hanging above the door. the low hum from the electricity was faint, but audiable. doors down the hall shutting from the officers were the only other sounds. that red light cut through the dense cold of the room like a knife, bloody from the slice. as i closed my eyes, i felt a chill almost grab me in ways, but not my arm or my leg, no.. it was laying across my soul like long fingers meant to steal, meant to kill.. as i saw the room disappear between my eye lids finally off to sleep, just before i drifted off into a dreamstate, it was as if i saw the dark in the corner of that room shift. i could see that red light, bloody and thick, shining there in the darkness... shining off a set of eyes. many anxious eyes.... waiting, wanting, hoping and daring even... evil eyes.... the justice systems eyes... the spiders eyes..