"Call Outs, Blood Work and Boobs"

In the prison system we have a Medical Department where basic medical is afforded to the prisoners, an Educational Department with a fairly large assortment of classes designed to prepare us for release back into society, a Psych Department , I isn’t really sure of their function, and an assortment of other activities, some pleasant, some unpleasant. These various classes, programs and other activities all have a purpose of one kind or another, like I said, they’re mostly geared towards general health and welfare.

Most of the time we cons, the eleven hundred or so of us here on this yard, have our schedules pretty much mapped out ahead of time, but, on a daily basis SOMEBODY, or a hundred somebody’s are summoned to one of the afore mentioned Departmental Facilities. For instance: if I have a job say, in the kitchen from 6am to noon, but medical needs to see me, they will post my name, where I need to be other than where I am normally scheduled to be, with a time and place on what we call a “Call Out Sheet”. This Call Out Sheet is posted in every cellblock, and everyone looks at it on a daily basis, because everyone is potentially on it. Here’s an example of what I might see on the Call Out Sheet.

Crawford, Mark 76603-079………………………Medical ….0900

That of course is telling me that I am required to be at Medical at 9am. It’s a very easy system to follow.

I will add here that each cell block has its own Call Out Sheet, so on any given day there will be between ten and twenty names, per cellblock, listed on the Call Out Sheet. Since this Call Out Sheet is the size of a regular sheet of paper, there is always some open space on the page after the last name … which for a prankster like me, is an opportunity!

There’s a convict here I’ll call “R”. Now R and I are both big pranksters, and nothing, I mean nothing is off limits. R has put homemade tacks in my shoes, bed and cell floor. He has covered my cell in toilet paper, hid my stuff and about any other prank he can think of. But, R, is a rookie compared to me when it comes to pranks – what I’m saying is that I’ve done all that and more to him – for instance: he has a big beautiful calendar in his cell, one from the streets with pictures on the top page and the dates in nice big blocks below, you know, a regular calendar. Well I happened to notice that he, like most of us, had made a few notations in the open blocks, under certain days. So I snuck in his cell and picked an open date and wrote in the box “Mark took butt”. Then I jumper ahead a week and picked another date and wrote in it, “Mark took butt, again”, then I jumped ahead like three days and wrote, “Mark brought friends. They all took butt”. Oh yeah, it was great because he wasn’t the first one to see it. Yeah, I pulled some awesome … did I say awesome – I meant awful 🙂 things to him. Like I said, he’s a great sport about it, too … well, all except this one time.

A few weeks ago they put up the new Call Out Sheet, I went and checked to see if I was on it, I wasn’t, in fact on that day there were only a few people, like five or six names – lots of blank space. So I waited until R went to work, then went and got my black ink pen and in my best imitation of typeset, wrote this:

R # his number ………………………………SHOWER!!! ……. Today PLEASE!

I thought it was moderately funny, well, clever, at least, and so did the hundred or so other guys who saw it. Well, when R came in at lunch time some of the guys told him he had a Call Out, he argued that he had already checked it, but out of curiosity went over to look anyway, of course some of the fellas followed him over to see his reaction when he saw what was on there. I will add that I was, of course observing his reaction from afar, not to mention snickering the whole time like a school girl. Well, boy was I in for a surprise, because he blew up, got mad as hell at the guys who’d followed him over and were laughing and poking fun at him. I was dumbstruck! Of all the rotten things I’ve done to him and he goes off his rocker about this … then it hit me. There’s an old saying that goes like this, “If you throw a rock through a window and you hear a whelp, you know you accidently hit a dog”

Yeah, it dawned on me at that exact moment that I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen him take a shower! Damn it man! Yeah, that prank hit a little too close to home. So, I guess the moral of the story is … well, I guess there really isn’t one. However, I have noticed that he is showering, daily. Things that make you go, hmmm.

Blood Work and Boobs

This morning at six thirty I had a Call Out to medical for, blood work. Yeah, about every six months or so they call me over and take my blood so they can monitor my health – well, either that, or they’re cloning me! Anyway, the nurse that performs this task is like a blood-Yoda, no really. She can get that needle in without you even feeling a sting! NO! I ain’t kidding, she’s like gifted or something – absolutely painless … yeah, of course I’m going somewhere with this, keep your pants on!

Anyway, a couple of years back I had a Medical Call Out for blood work. When I got there, the regular nurse was absent and in her place was a different nurse. I right off noticed that she was very polite and, maybe, a little nervous; not a good sign. Anyway, I sat down and put my left arm up on the arm rest and she went to work. OMG!!! She punished me! She tried like five times before she actually got my vein, and I’m not kidding here, my arm was black and blue for two weeks afterwards – she really, really punished me. Now your probably wondering why, being the curious, not to mention impatient type, why I didn’t stop her after the first two misses, well, that my oh so naive friend, is “the rest of the story.”

This nurse, like I said, was very polite, she also was … well, a big girl – now don’t go to thinkin’ that I’m some kinda “pig” for sayin’ that, ’cause truth is, I like a big girl ever now and then – have no problem at all with ’em – so just put that mean thinkin’ act of yours in check; I said it because it’s relevant to the story, THANK YOU! Anyway, like I was sayin’, she was a big girl, and when she leaned over to stick that needle in my arm, her, … well, her left boob landed right on top of my hand, and I knew that if i flinched she’d realize that her very ample boob was atop my hand and NOT the armrest – IIIII know, I’m such a “PIIIIIG”! Anyhow, when she hit me with that needle, over and over and over again, I calculated the pain against, the boob. and well, truth is, she could’ve been sawing my arm off, and I wouldn’t have moved it!! IIIII Know!!!, its already been established, I’m a “pig”!

But, in my own defense, well, it was a boob, and I’m a guy! So the moral of the story is: You put a boob on me, I’m gonna notice it and I’m gonna like it. There it is – I like boobs, all kinds, big ones, little ones, it doesn’t matter … well, that ain’t exactly true. When I was in the prison at Pollock Louisiana, there was this guy over there who had boobs. No I ain’t kidding, implants, and when he’d get in the shower he’d rub them babies down – WHAT? No, I just happened to catch a glimpse once or twice, man yall need to get a life! Anyway, like I was sayin’ before yall got all hot and bothered, was, that he’d soap them babies up, maybe I’m dwelling a little to long on that part, anyway, he’d show ’em to everybody that’d look, and then he’d … this is a family blog, so I’ll let yall’s already clearly demonstrated, depraved thinkin’ process, do its own work. Like I was sayin’, I’d occasionally take a peek … NO!, that ain’t admittin’ to nothin’! Hell, you couln’t help but look ever now and then … I can see that this here conversation is gettin’ way out of hand, don’t go to readin’ nothin’ in that either! Man, yall are some freaks. Anyway, that’s what’s going on here and as always, if you weirdos can get off the internet porn long enough to pass this on your Face Book friends, I sure would appreciate it.

Peace be with you, Mark

Three Rivers, 3-16-18