It’s been awhile, I know. Why? Well, the inevitable happened and I caught the Corona Virus, yep, it seems that ex-Mayors ain’t immune … how unfair is that!! On top of that injustice I was hit hard by it. Yeah I was pretty sick, like wanting to die sick. Oh shut the heck up. I’ll talk about dyin’ if I want to! For your information, dying’ is a part of livin’. Yeah, I’m pretty sure about that, in fact I’ve been on the other side … “What could a hunchback like me know about the other side?” Well if you can look past my obvious sinful nature; my cursing and occasional lack of couth, you might see that all of those things are a mere facade, the moving hands of a stage magician. Underneath all those colored feathers can be found a far deeper, more spiritually complex personality … one who has given deep deep thought to the reality of death … see, if you’d read my book “Where No One Hears me” you’d know that a significant part of that book is on this very subject of death, In fact … no, I shouldn’t tell you what I was about to tell you … you wouldn’t believe me – plus no one wants to hear a damned convict talk about God. No, it’s true! Hell I don’t even want to hear it. So that’s a dead issue for now. Wow, don’t get me started on the subject of religion.
Anyway, I had the corona and I was sick from it ... so sick I wanted to die ... no I wasn't in pain. I wasn't ready to die because I hurt, I just - well ... I was very close to not breathing ... and I didn't want to breathe anymore. No I ain't suicidal dummy, not in the least. I'm crazy but not plum crazy! This is what happened.
I first got sick about three days before I was tested for Corona, but it wasn't too bad ... no I didn't tell the guards because I didn't know I had the Corona. Those first three days I experienced terrible night fevers and in the morning I'd be weak, but otherwise ok. Then they tested me for Covid and the bnext day pulled me out of my cell and put me in quarantine, I was told I had tested positive.
On the forth day, while in quarantine I started to get really sick, all I wanted to do was to sleep - I couldn't eat. Then I started to get headaches, night fevers that had me rolling in sweat one minute then in shivers the next, but always at night, never during the day. During the day all I could do was sleep. Then came the headaches and body aches, then the pain and suffering, not like injury pain but that pain your body feels when you've had an extended fever - I just hurt all over. But that wasn't the worst of it. What came next was lack of breath; I couldn't breathe ... hell, I don't know why, it was like my body was about to quit functioning. What happened was this.
I was awakened by my body panicking because it needed air. I thought it was because I was sleeping in my belly, so I rolled over onto my back, it didn't help. I was gasping, not like a fish, but my breath was labored like trying to pull a sheet of paper from under a heavy rock. Yeah, my chest, all the way through to my back, felt like a big rock was sitting on top of me.
Countless are the times I’ve told you that I am a serious meditator – I love to meditate; years of practice. Well, one of the things a serious meditator experiences when deep in meditation is they experience life without breathing. Well, that’s not entirely true, what I mean by that is, when in the deepest part of yourself your breathing slows down to almost nothing, it’s like you’re breathing through your body, the pores of your skin, rather than your nostrils … hard to explain. Point is, my mind knows how to stay alive on little or no breath. So that night when I couldn’t breath, once I awoke to consciousness, instead of the before mentioned panic attack my mind instinctively went to a deadly calm within my self. I began to smile in spirit and, calm as can be, I started talking to God. “Is it time?” “I’m ready to go!” nothing … “I’m tired, Lord” yeah, I know, sounds pathetic I know. But trust me that was as close to death as I’ve ever been and I was ready to go, still am.
I know you don't understand, but I've experienced things that assure me of an afterlife - another life, one far from this prison. No, I'm the perfect person to move on - my kids and grandkids are all good, in fact, they'd be better off if they didn't have to worry about me. You see, prison is worse than death. No, I'm serious. Being in prison is horrible on those who love you, worse than dying. How can I say that, well when a person dies, their family grieves and then eventually moves on. But when you go to prison they can't move on, we just hang around in their lives like a bad habit - it's unfair. I of course am referring to children - spouses move on, but kids can't; one father, and if that father is a burden they can't help but feel obligated to help. We call on the phone, we need money, we're always bothering them ... trust me, being the child of a prisoner is tougher than being in jail. Being a prisoner with a conscious, is a heavy cross to bear, but, such is life ... no, believe this, I begged God to take me, BEGGED ... like I said, God wasn't listening, so y'all are stuck with me ... yep you're gonna have to suffer through a whole lot more of these blogs.
Peace be with you, all!
Three Rivers, 9-29-20